Exactly one month ago today I lost one of the only 2 peopole I think of as my family. My grandmother, the woman who raised me as her own, who was my mother, my father, my best friend and my worst enemy, who was the always encouraged me and always helped me, and who never thought any less of me when I thought of myself as a lesser person.

And as usual, I end up sitting by myself with only my mp3 player as company in an empty graveyard in the rain.

All I want to know is where is the other person I think of as my family. My sister, who really is my best friend, or at least was once upon a time. This past year i'm not sure she's really that anymore. But even so, today of all days, when she knew I needed, when she knew I shouldn't be sitting in a rainy graveyard by myslef, where was she.

Out drinking with her friend, getting stoned with people I truely despise, not even bothering to send me a message to see how I was.

I supose its my fault really, everyone seems to be under the impression that I'm perfectly fine. they don't really know that I haven't slept more then 2 hours a night in the past month cause I see my nans yellow empty face every time I close my eyes, or that I can't eat without being sick, or that I have this giant gaping hole inside me that seems to get bigger every day.

But even so, she's my sister, she's the only family I have left, she knew I needed her and she wasn't here for me, just like she hasn't been here for me in over a year.

I suppose I lost more then just my nan last month, I think I lost my sister as well. I guess I lost all my family. Which leaves me with the question, where we really a family at all.

If you put three broken people together, can you really make a whole, or are you just going to end up more broken then before. I guess I have my answer in the fact I can hardly breath anymore.

You think these poeple you call your family are making you whole again, that they're piecing back to together all the broken fragments of yourself, but really they're adding peices of their own, so in the long run you just end up with even more broken shards then you started with.

I feel like humpty dumpty, all the kings horse and all the kings men. No one should ever have to feel like that, no one should ever have to feel so broken that nothing in the world can put you back together again.

but here I am, with nothing in the world able to put me back together, because there are so many peices and so many of them are missing now.

thats how life works I guess, it shows you the brilliant healing power of love, but it doesn't let you in on the secret till its too late. the secret that I know now in the very depths of that empty hole left inside me, that love gives someone the power to break you.

I love these people with everything I have, they were my only family, and they broke me.